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My first two-fer. I went to yin practice tonight and felt a little off afterward. When we'd release from a pose, I kept getting these floods of emotion, and I left feeling a little blue and a little off balance. I was curious about the class after, 'power flow,' and I argued with myself in the parking lot as to whether I should stay or go.
I checked my voicemail, chatted with dad, hemmed and hawed, put my mat in the car, took it out.. and stayed. Boy did I stay! And I had an interesting revelation. We did this pose that totally intimidates me called bakasana.
Looks like this:
I didn't get there, but I got close! REALLY close! Much much closer than I ever thought, and in trying, I realized how not far off this pose is for me! It was a glimpse into a future in which I can do many things that I never thought I was capable of. It wasn't an 'oh wow I can do this!" moment, it was a "oh wow I will do this" moment - which is definitely sweeter.
I had another "I will do this" moment at work today - as my practice picks up and my confidence grows, I'm realizing that I have a very special opportunity to accomplish a great deal here in Raleigh.
There is more, about the conversation I had with my teacher tonight, about the revelations I have every now and again on my mat, about the changes I've effected in my life. But that is all side story.The metaphor for yoga vs. life today was that I'm finding my 'edge' (that is, the place where you first start to 'feel it') and it is so much further out than I thought it was. I can accomplish much more than I give myself credit for, and with ease.
Always looking forward to the experience,
Namaste.
What a week. What an end of a week. What a day. What a class.
I didn't think I'd love speed flow to Thriller, but, you know what? I do. I SO DO.
My breathing is almost involuntary, my thoughts are on the out, my body is catching up. As things start to solidify for me on the mat I find myself wondering when I'm going to get there in real life. Tonight was good sweaty, nasty, really fun yoga - my form was crap, but my breath was on time and my heart open wide.
I look at where I am now compared to where I was this time last year. I was in school, things were structured but rote at that point, it was clean, but wearing on me. I'd made some good decisions and some poor ones and I was definitely flying by the seat of my pants. Now, things are deliberate, not always perfect, but always on purpose. Every day, every action is a step bringing me closer to my goals. Every class is a step closer to who I want to be. Every patient is a dollar closer to the independence I've been working towards. So my form is lacking, it's messy but I am getting there.
As I sink in there is a part of me that wants to stay in my old self. Like a shudder as you fall asleep, it tries to keep me in the drama, keep me out of the flow, and I have to fight the urge to just do what is comfortable and familiar. I have to fight to stay focused and aware.
I am fighting. Every day. And as I get closer I'll start to straighten up, tighten up and lock it up. I'll have it together when the day comes.
This is who I am today. Messy and sweaty. And today was a good day.
When I wake up in the morning, I have no idea what's going to happen. I know what I'm going to do that day, but I never know what's going to happen, and that is awesome.
When I walk into yoga, I usually don't know what we're going to do, and I definitely have no idea what's going to happen, and that is even more awesome.
I've written about class the last two nights, but haven't posted anything because I haven't come out of there with a big "A-HA!" On Tuesday night I was thinking about how I'm learning self restraint, how I'm better able to wait things out and see how they resolve on their own without trying to meddle in anything. Last night I was mostly just hot like FIYAH from my stretch and flow class.
I am pushing myself a lot harder this week, physically and mentally, and I have much less time to think. This probably means that I am doing a better job in spite of my blog content suffering. I am also settling into more of a routine with my practice, and I tend to check out as soon as I plant myself on my mat. I can't tell you one thing I've thought about the last two nights, but I do know this: my body hurts more this week than last and yet, a day off is not even on the schedule. I wouldn't miss class for the world.
In my real life, there are surprises around every corner. A run in with a new friend yielded some amazing business opportunities and a last minute cancellation gave me the opportunity to get to yoga early and chat with one of my teachers.
I'm learning that I am capable of things I never thought I could do; at work, on the mat, inside my own head. That kind of insight is a serious trip and some nights, I come out of class and I can't put it into words. I spoke with my mom today and she jokingly asked if I was going to start taking off on yoga retreats to which I exclaimed: YES! ABSO-*&%-ING-LUTELY! I can't wait for the day when I'm strong and practiced enough to spend my new year's doing yoga under the moon on a beach in costa rica. Watchout!
My point is this: you never know what's around the next corner, what a red light caused you to miss, what a breakup saved you from. You can only trust that the world is a loving place, and wants the best for you. If you let it, it will push you right where you need to be.
Namaste.
There is something about putting your head on your feet that changes your perspective.
Firstly, I had no idea that my head was that close to my feet. I didn't realize that I was holding myself up with my arms, and then I relaxed into the pose... pat, there were the bottoms of my feet... on the top of my head.
A visual:
Heeeeeeey FEET! That was pretty cool.
For the record, we were doing a modification of this pose in which the spine is more rounded and the head and neck hang loose so that the top of the head comes in contact with the floor (or feet!).
Prior to this meeting of my feet, I had been trying to have no thoughts, and while having no thoughts, I thought of something pretty interesting. I've had a few classes now where I a) do something that I had no idea that I could do and I'm rather proud of myself or b) I have no idea what I'm doing, I try it and it's hard / terrible and I'm still proud of myself. When I push, I either press up right against my boundaries or I find that I can go significantly farther than I thought I could.
In class tonight I remembered that we all have our unique set of challenges. There are situations that flaunt your strengths and situations that expose your weaknesses and no one's are the same. In yoga, we all come to neutral territory: the mat. Some people are really strong, but not so flexible and vice versa. Different poses favor one or the other, but we all bring our own mix to the mat and work it out from there.
In life, everyone is the product of his or her own experience, and you never quite know someone's story until you start bumping into their shit. Just like in our homes, no one's stuff is going to be set up the same way yours is, and you can't run around telling people how to arrange their furniture. In life, you have to create the mat. You have to hold that neutral space in which you allow others to come to you as they are, without judgment, without telling them how to be. That safe place is what invites people in, and what creates trust in any relationship.You have to maintain your boundaries, but you also need to have some give.
Namaste.
I had a mellow class this afternoon. Exactly what I needed: easy and SOLID.
This has been one of the best weeks of my year. I did almost 9 hours of yoga, and spent some quality time with myself working through my stuff, and I feel good.
I've realized something about yoga, part of what draws me to it, and it's something that my friend Holly said once that I didn't really understand at the time, "One of the greatest benefits of yoga is that it makes the part of us that creates drama smaller, and the part of us that is connected to the divine source bigger." It opens our heart and mind and spirit to the 'everything else' that exists beyond the scope of our bullshit.
There is so much pretense in human relationships. So much emotional push and pull to get what we want out of other people. So many people trying to suck us into their drama.
I'm going to go ahead and yoga out and quote Eat Pray Love.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, "your emotions are slave to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions." One thing that I've learned this week is that I can control my thoughts. In controlling my mind, in not letting it roam free, I get to decide how I'm going to feel. In controlling my thoughts, I am no longer subject to my every emotional whim (or the whims of others). When something comes up that I would normally react to, I can decide whether or not I want to get involved in the drama that emotion would command. I received an annoying text message today and I really just wanted to tear the sender a new one. Unfortunately, that would have only upset me. He'd have just gotten what he wanted, a reaction. I chose not to respond and I chose not to let myself give in. This self-restraint saved me a lot of energy, and I refuse to be anyone's emotional monkey.
I love yoga because it creates peace in my life. A quiet place for me, and a quiet me for everyone else.
I honestly believe that if everyone did yoga, we'd have peace on earth. We would.
Namaste.
Would you like anything with that serving of ass, Catie?
No, no, just hand it to me please. A towel would be nice though.
I had no idea what I was doing today. And I was sweating like a stuck pig. And I will never wear cotton, or possibly even long pants, to yoga ever again. Eff.
Apparently friday morning is hot, perfect housewife hour. Or maybe, wear your diamond ring to yoga day. Or possibly bring your triathlete friends to class friday. I dunno. Regardless, all of my insecurities and self-conscious crap came BOILING to the surface and I felt slightly resentful of the perfect blondes with their perfect outfits who were barely breaking a sweat. I tried to tell myself that I was getting more out of it than they were, but who is to say? And does that really even matter? I'm there for me... right? Right. Ok, so after working through all of that, I had to confront the whole concept of just meeting myself wherever I happen to be that day, on my mat and ready to work. Oh, wait. On my mat. I need my own mat. Really bad. I can't continue to sweat all over their mats. It makes me feel gross. If you would like to buy me one, feel free. Just had to put that out there.
So I've worked though my perfect blonde triathlete angst and the most amazing thing happened!
Our instructor said to me: 'Catie, are you sure there's nothing I can get you before I hand you your ass?" to which I replied: "Yes, actually, can I get some gangsta rap?"
She played Playaz Club by Rappin For-tay. Right between Sting and Tracy Chapman. There might have been some Where is the Love? for my JT fix, I think that there was, but there was PLAYAZ CLUB. Unbelievable. It was instrumental, obvs, bc otherwise we'd have been listening to this: (I so needed an excuse to put this track in the blog - keep reading while you take in its gangsta fabulousness)
Not exactly, grounding, but AWESOME nonetheless. Anyway - that was a nice reprieve.
But back to the PAIN, the SWEAT, and the side of awesome gangsta rap I got with my serving of ASS.
I suffered it out. I was a mess! I was ready to get home. I wanted to flee. I was embarrassed at how sweaty and gross I was, I didn't even want them to have to touch me to correct my posture. I was embarrassed by how little I knew about what I was doing. And, again, just like work, I have to study to be good at something. When I don't know, I look it up. Same rules apply.
So, back to the drawing board. I'm not even thinking of not going tomorrow. But I have to know what I know, and know when to ask questions. I need to go at my own pace, and not feel like I'm keeping up with the blondes; I got over that a long time ago.
Onward and upward.
Namaste.
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